"Seek first to understand..."
It is so easy to say what we think. The thoughts in our head beg to be turned loose through our mouths.
It is easy to not really listen, but instead to be planning our counter-argument.
Stephen Covey famously said, “Seek first to understand, THEN to be understood.”
A wise boss of mine had a poster that read, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can use them in that ratio.” This is good advice that is hard to follow.
If you want to be heard, try these six simple steps:
Ask where the other person is coming from.
Listen (do not plan your reply).
Confirm (reflective listening; state back what you understood).
Ask for permission to share your perspective.
Share it.
Confirm understanding (not agreement).
Remember that at any point along this route you are free to learn something and update your own beliefs.
The best results and the smartest plans often come from the combination of ideas, not where any of us began.
Audience Insights
I have consolidated additional ideas worth considering from my LinkedIn audience, including:
“Agreement” is not listed in the steps. That is purposeful. We will not always reach agreement, but reaching understanding allows us to work together and enhances clarity.
In addition to their career, readers cited the above steps are effective for working with your significant other and kids because it starts with having a good relationship.
Some people have a “Eat the Frog” post it on their computer as a reminder to complete the most difficult task of the day first. Consider having a “Six Simple Steps” reminder to take a step back as the pressures and speed of work can make it a struggle to remember in real-time.
“Listen to Understand” and “Listen to Learn” are techniques used by improv teams. The effectiveness is apparent because improv changes directions frequently and if you wait to say your point, you may look foolish.
Mindful listening is a skill that can take years to develop. Practice patience and daily compounding. Another simple framework is the “WAIT Approach” which stands for “Why Am I Talking” and reminds you to not react or leap into response / opinion.
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How do you scale yourself without your abilities becoming personal liabilities?
How do you close your leadership gaps by exposing your blind spots?
How do you intentionally act and respond without falling for distracted shallow thinking?
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Level Up is a newsletter from former Amazon Vice President Ethan Evans that breaks down how he succeeded and how you can get to the next level.