Relationships Drive Promotion
Straight Truth
Many purists believe that only performance should factor into promotion.
The Straight Truth is that this is an idealized fantasy that denies brain science.
A reader asked:
"It’s clear that relationships are key to career advancement to senior levels like VP. There are many talented people and the relationship is what makes one person progress vs the other. How do you develop relationship and maintain them at early levels of career (IC, manager) and also later when get into Director and Senior Director levels?"
Why will relationships always matter?
Relationships color the rest of our perceptions. Think about a close relationship with someone you trust and like. When they make a mistake, we look for reasons on their behalf - bad day, heavy traffic, too much work, sick spouse, etc. When it is someone we do not like, we look for reasons that reinforce our dislike - they are lazy, careless, unmotivated, whatever.
Someone always comments that they are not like the above description. Your personal opinion that you are not like this (a) is probably your own delusion given human nature but (b) does not matter because most people are this way.
Thus, relationships will always matter.
Relationships at work are built in 2 ways:
Being reliable for the manager. Delivering, being available, coming through. In short, bringing them value.
Being helpful to the manager. Being easy to work with, willing to compromise, and compliant. Doing what is asked, volunteering. In short, supporting their needs above your own.
Someone always says, "But that's just kissing up."
These are the same people who need to support their own self-image of strength and independence by posting the negation and criticism of each thing they read. They begin with the question "How can I poke a hole in this" rather than "How can I find value in and build upon it?" Feel free to hold this view, but accept the results (being overlooked by others).
I know many leaders who include "Who do I *want* on my team" as criteria, and given that there are "many talented people" as the reader wrote, others will be chosen.
For more on building relationships, read Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends & Influence People. He was a brilliant student of human nature as it is, not as we might wish it to be.
For the first time publicly, I share a detailed version of my most important career framework, The Magic Loop. This framework (image below) helped me rise quickly in my career and has helped countless mentees and direct reports rise in theirs. It works for all levels (ICs, managers, executives) and it helps managers empower their teams. Read it here as a guest post in Lenny’s Newsletter.
If you are new to leadership, I co-wrote the 10 hard truths about tech leadership with a former Twitch colleague.
4 follow-up reader questions.
Q1: How do you earn the trust of your manager when they already have an established person or persons of interest in developing?
My response: Trust is not limited to one person. Good managers at least want lots of allies. But, what you may mean is "How do I gain a closer relationship than this person who got there before me has attained?" That is harder because trust is built over time. Comparison can be the thief of joy, so it is worth asking. Focus on what you control, which is you.
Q2: How do you deal with a manager that envies you?
My response: Ask yourself is this true? How do you know? Or is it a fear or an excuse? If evidence (or others verify) that it is true then ask, why do they envy me rather than appreciate what I bring? Can I change that? If not, ask yourself, how do I find one of the vast majority of managers who have better self-confidence? Lastly, if you worry that lots of managers will envy you, then you must be frequently featured in People Magazine next to the Kardashian clan.
Q3: At what point should you move on to another company in order to further your development? Given that your current manager is neglecting you for a variety of reasons.
My response: Move on when you have tried to work with and engage the manager first. Really tried. Because all managers worry about themselves first. Even those who intend not to, who genuinely intend to be servant leaders and care for others...wake up human, and the human condition is to think about ourselves. So, you can find a better manager...but the better you are at also relating to that manager, the better you will do.
Think of the manager's disposition as a nail and your ability to flex as a rubber band. The manager determines the starting point. You can go up or down the length of the rubber band from there. The better you are at adapting and creating value, the more range you have - the more you can "stretch." Learning to stretch that way is a skill.
We love to blame bad managers. It's easy. It's other rather than us. And, there are bad managers. But we only control ourselves. Thus, we become strongest when we improve ourselves. If you take your same "rubber band" to a good manager, then you will reach higher because their nail is higher in the wall. But that improvement will be because of them, not because you became more skilled. You want both!
Q4: Would like your insights on how this works when there is an only on the team (only woman, only person of color, etc.). In those situations, that person may get buried with the work, do it flawlessly & with excellence, but not get the relationship building or support for upward or lateral movement. This is either the too good to replace problem or relatability on a personal level is difficult because of cultural/societal differences.
My response: I will try to take a shot at this. It is hard. You are asking the older white man to successfully speak to the challenges of the only's.
First, it is important that others, like me, work hard to be aware of our biases and minimize them. Second, the only's can strive to (a) find a place where they are not the only or (b) find leaders and teammates who are at least working to be less biased.
But remember, not all preference is exactly bias. What I mean is I prefer vanilla ice cream to chocolate. It might seem stupid, but human nature is that I am going to have an easier time relating to someone who enjoys vanilla ice cream than someone who goes on and on about the superiority of chocolate. This example is purposefully trivial, but compound it across 1000 topics. Love (or hatred) of sports, cat vs dog people. People with lots of kids, people with none.
Commonality makes relationships easier. So what an only can do is realize that while you may not be able to make some of your teammates female or black or LGBT or whatever, you can relate to them on other topics where you do have commonality. Explore those places.
Where do you bridge a river? Where it is either narrow or shallow. Narrow so that you can go across it easily, or shallow so that you can build pillars in it.
Relationships can be the same. Build the bridges where you can.
Audience Insights
I have consolidated additional ideas worth considering from my LinkedIn audience, including:
One of the biggest mistakes people make is thinking “Work hard and expect to be noticed.” Kate Matsudaira wrote this article that effectively explains how true meritocracy is impossible, and we're all judged by how much we're trusted. You can usually work backwards to figure out why one person is trusted more than another, but trust is your currency.
A reader shared “Other than my very first job (bussing tables at a local diner), every job I've ever had can be traced back to my network.”
A senior executive once shared “At a certain stage in your career, you will only get the next job or promotion via referral, so build your reputation now, deliver damn good results, and pick your champions."
Managers are human beings with inbuilt biases just like everyone else. The mistake is to focus only on logic and content (digital) while ignoring relationships (analog). Digital fidelity cannot make up for analog dissonance.
If you depend on the same circle, you’ll get the same results you’ve gotten. The power of connection (networking) is incomprehensible to our logical minds. Put yourself in situations where you can connect with new people (e.g. volunteer, raise your hand to lead a new project, serve as a affinity group committee member, be an onboard buddy, co-chair an event, etc).
Another reason why relationships are important…influence. At a certain level (e.g. VP), your ability to influence becomes just as important if not more, than the work you produce. And your ability to influence is founded in the relationships you have established with your colleagues.
The Magic Loop - a simple, reliable method to quickly grow your career.
I developed The Growth and Promotion Recipe course to give you step-by-step instructions on how to grow your career. Learn new skills, get support from your manager, and get a detailed path to promotion.
Watch the below course introduction video to see what you get.
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